Please, Listen to Me!!!!!!!

When I was driving back home tonight, I felt like my heart was screaming out at the top of its voice saying, “Please, listen to me just for once” but unfortunately it was my heart screaming, it can’t be heard by others. It felt like my heart was going to tear open my chest and come out, it felt so suffocating as if it was buried in there forever. No, I do not want to talk when someone asks me to talk; I want to talk when I feel like talking, when I need to talk to someone. I try talking to someone, I wait till they finish and I suddenly realize they are done talking and they are gone.

Things that I want to say, things I feel like expressing are left behind with me. I have this smile on my face all the time, when I felt like my heart was bursting out; it would have asked me “who are you cheating with your smile, People around you or your own self?” I do not have an answer to this. I try talking and I say something or the other that hurts the person, things are taken personal and I again end up not being able to speak. To some I can’t speak because I hurt those in the past and to some I can’t because I am scared I will hurt in present. I feel like standing on the roof of the 16 storied building next to my office and yelling out at the top of my voice and I still don’t think anyone would hear me. I can’t blame others for this because it’s not a one off incident, it happens with everyone. Every time I talk to someone I am worried that I might say something that will hurt them.

Talking to my parents and sister am worried I will hurt them; talking to a few of my best friends I am scared I might hurt them. Will I ever speak my heart out? I feel like I am living someone else’s life. I am trying to run away from myself and to find out if it is me that is alive or if it’s just my thoughts that are alive in someone else. It’s so suffocating to be like this. Please stop saying I am strong, I am good, I am smart; no I am none…I am overly sensitive, strong outside but even more weak inside. I am breaking down. I dread the day I crack. I can just pray that it never happens. When I try and call someone, ask them (some people that are really close to me) to say something about what’s going on with me and I get a question back, “What do you want me to say?” I really wish I could communicate normally to just one person that is willing to listen to me and my heart, a person that I am not worried of hurting because that person understands me enough not to take anything personal or apply anything to self.

When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am!!!

Dusron ke nazron se gir ke jiya jaye par khud ke nazar se gir ke jeena???

Surviving by falling in someone else's sight is possible but how can one one live by falling in their own sight?

Goodness is not Helplessness and vice versa

Life is all about "Moments"

Ever thought how long you have lived? I have lived 27 years but when I look back I can only see or remember a few moments of my life. It’s a fact for most of the people I would say (I do not want to speak for everyone here but I assume this). We live for so many years not knowing how much longer we have left; always worrying about what happened yesterday, what is happening today and what might happen tomorrow. Is life all about worries? I look around and see people laughing, smiling and cheering each other. Is it just me that’s kind of lost in this or is everyone just pretending to be happy? I have so many times felt like I was completely invisible, I do not belong to this world. I wished I would disappear or go hide someplace where no one can ever find me. Not possible, how can anyone ever know how it pains to be lost in the crowds, looking for someone you know or someone that loves and cares for you?
It takes ages to build anything but just a moment to break or destroy something, this one moment defines the next steps in one’s life. Positive or negative, they have such impact on one’s life that it will be visible to everyone, some people choose to ignore the impact they have on others life while some people do not really care about others.
You meet someone, talk to them, get used to them, spend time with them and start liking them. You make many plans on what to do and how to do but there would be one unplanned moment ( this can never be planned, not by human’s at least), totally unexpected that would bring all the plans to a screeching halt. The whole world would be turned upside down and everything, absolutely everything changes in matter of a moment. People that took so long to get close to each other cannot be together anymore, suddenly they realize there is nothing common between them. They that used to talk to each other for hours, spend hours together will have no topics to make a conversation. There will be the awkward silence all around and always.
Why does this happen? Does this mean they never had any kind of relation between them? Does this mean everything they had between them was just so weak that it could not hold up against one moment of misunderstanding? Why cannot life be simple or is it that life is simple and we complicate it?
As mentioned above we think we have lived for many years but carefully looking back will reveal only a few moments you have really lived and those moments stay alive with you all through your life, forever. Those moments would be crystal clear even years after the day it happened. Good or bad, easy or hard, like or dislike, Love or hatred whatever the moment has one has to live with it. Some are cherished, some are regretted. Ever thought, if that one moment is/was dealt with a little more care and respect, life would have been so different. We let our past and future rule our present like “I did that in past so I should not do this; I want to be this so I should do this today.” Is this all life is about? We see so many other beings living around us. Do they feel the same emotions? Do they feel love and compassion?
When there is nothing one can do, one has to let go of it. Does this help? It never helped me. I was and am never able to let go of things but do I have a choice? Not that I know of. There is nothing else that can be done about this. People only learn and appreciate the value of things when they lose them, but those that realize the value before are the ones that are happy. Do not change who you are for someone else. Like the person as they are, for what they are, not for what they will be or for being what you want them to be. Love always hurts (all forms of love, not just love between a girl and a boy but love in any relationship). If you do not know where to stop, it actually suffocates the other person which is very true in my case.
“Too much of sugar is poison, similarly too much love is prison “
Too much of love suffocates the other person, not the person that is showing it but the person receiving it. Out of such love arise expectations, possessiveness and jealousy. Ultimately this hurts everyone involved in that relationship.
Life is a very complicated puzzle, everything seems right from one perspective and everything seems wrong from another. Who decides what is right and what is wrong?

-* Will be continued *-